Q & A from Best Self Magazine

Questions for Carolyn Evans, author of FORTY BEADS

 

  1. How would you describe The Forty Beads Method?

The Forty Beads Method is a sweet little token system that sort of magically dissolves the negative tension that can build around sex in a marriage (specifically, the frequency with which it does or does not occur) and replaces it with the sex life you always thought you should have, which in turn creates the relationship you’ve always wanted. It’s all about creating that sense of abundance around sex—which permeates the whole relationship.

  1. I read that the method came from your idea to give your husband 40 days of sex – how did this idea evolve to what it is today?

Once I developed the Method—the rules, the subtleties and began to understand exactly why it works so well, I had to share it with other women. And you know, when we women find something that works for us, we like to tell all our friends about it. So that’s how this Forty Beads Movement began—very organically—by word of mouth.

  1. When did you first realize that if The Forty Beads Method worked for you, it could work for others?

Almost immediately. I was so floored by the amazing changes happening in my relationship but I thought how could all this be happening just because I gave him a bunch of beads? I had a hunch it would work for other women because I’m a really hard one to convince. So if the Method worked for me, I figured it would work well for other women.

  1. From start to completion, how long did it take you to finish the book?

This is the crazy thing. Writing this book was like pouring water from a pitcher. Some writers will hate me for saying this, but I didn’t have a day of writer’s block. I started writing it and I couldn’t rest until it was done. I’d wake up at 4am and write all day. “Obsessed” would be a word that comes to mind. It took me about four months to complete the manuscript.

  1. What is the basic message of The Forty Beads Method?

Sex keeps a couple connected—both physically and emotionally—and a healthy sex life is an important part of a healthy marriage. The Method is about couples having fun as they pull sex back to the front burner of their relationship.

  1. What is the best complement/story you’ve gotten from fans of The Forty Beads Method?

Of course, I get lots of “Thank you’s” from men, but the greatest complement I keep getting is from women telling me that they feel like I’m one of their best friends talking to them when they read Forty Beads. I love that. I feel such a Bond with every woman who uses this Method and I love connecting with them on my facebook page.

Oh my gosh. There have been so many amazing stories. I’ve had many couples tell me that the Method saved their marriage and nothing in this world could make me happier. To impact a life like that? It doesn’t get any better than that.

  1. What does The Forty Beads Method represent to you?

The Method is about choosing love—again and again and continually moving a relationship forward. It’s about not getting bogged down by the petty minutiae of the day, like the sock on the floor or the toilet seat left up. Couples who use the Method continually rise above what commonly pulls them apart on a daily basis.

  1. Do you feel everyone can benefit from The Forty Beads Method?

No. The Method is definitely not for couples where there is abuse of any kind going on. I say to women that if they’re married to a complete jerk, no, the Method is not for them.

Otherwise, yes, I’ve found tat the Method is fun and effective for couples who struggle with conflicting libidos and also those who aren’t really having problems with sex, but just want to change things up and bring some playfulness back to their marriage.

  1. How long were you a therapist and how has that background helped you when writing your book?

I worked as a therapist for maybe 4-5 years, but I think once you’re a therapist, you’re kind of always a therapist—as far as how you view your world. I’ve always been fascinated with people and what makes them do what they do so I guess my personal curiosity along with my desire to improve my own situation were both helpful in writing the book.

          10. What makes The Forty Beads Method unique?

Well, to my knowledge (and I’ve had lawyers research this) there has never been a token system method that involved sex before The Forty Beads Method. Some people are really freaked out by the whole token system—beads for sex—kind of thing, but it’s about sex in a marriage so…

          11. What does the chapter titled “What Would Gloria Say?” cover?

That chapter talks about how using the Method is not about a woman giving up her sexual power in the relationship, but about her sharing the power with her husband—and how the relationship benefits from the sharing of that power. And by the way, a woman reserves the right to “turtle” her Beadcatcher if her husband exhibits some true jerk behavior.

            12. What has been the reaction from men who participated in The Forty Beads Method?

Ummm…they LOVE it.

             13. What questions or reactions have you received from fans?

I get emails everyday from men and women thanking me for writing this book. They tell me things like Finally somebody came out with it—this truth about sex in a marriage. And You’re describing my life and my marriage in your book.

I’ve been surprised and delighted to hear that couples are actually reading the book together, which I think is a great idea, I just hadn’t predicted that would happen.

             14. What would you like readers to take away from the book?

That every choice we make and every action we take either brings us closer to or pulls us further from the love we want. My Beaders tell me that using the Method helps them become more conscious in their relationship and they learn to choose to look at the big picture and not to get pulled down by the irritating little things like they used to.

            15. Did you ever anticipate the book would be such a success and how have you handled it?

I’m so thrilled that the book is resonating with so many women–and men– on such a deep level. Women are reading it quickly and getting their Bead on immediately after and they’re telling me all about it, which is really exciting and fun for me. Some are buying The Forty Beads Gift and others are getting crafty and making their own—which I love.

How have I handled it? I have a fantastic husband who helps out a ton. And I’ve been trying to take good care of myself—I go to bed early and get up early.

 

 

 

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Female desire. It’s a Two Step Process

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What happens when a wife observes her husband doing thoughtful things and feels him engaging with her emotionally? She becomes attracted to him. Because for most of us women, our emotional switch has to get flipped before the desire switch has a chance of getting tripped. That’s right: It’s a two-step process to get to the starting line. You could think of our emotional connection and sexual desire like one of those outdoor covered electrical switches—you know the ones with the metal door you have to pry back before you can turn the light on? We have to be touched emotionally by our husbands before our sexual desire has any hope of bubbling up to the surface. That’s just how we’re wired, most of us anyway. And the great thing is, the Beads are an easy, fun way to initiate this two-step process again and again.

With a little kick-start from the Beads, a very natural process takes shape. The husband and wife feel connected to each other—even before coming together intimately—which makes that Bead redemption (that’s right, the sexual encounter) easy, carefree and fun. Most of the time, anyway. Annnnd that’s why it works. Any questions?

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Romance. Exactly What Is That, Anyway?

With Valentine’s Day approaching like a freight train, let’s look at what our culture calls romance. Here’s a question for you: Youd like for your relationship to have more romance, wouldn’t you? But what do you mean by that? Do you mean that you’d like your husband to pepper you with Zoro-style kisses starting at the wrist, going straight up the forearm, pausing at the neck and finally moving in on your lips? That might be fun a time or two, but honestly, wouldn’t a routine like that get a little tiresome on a regular basis? When we say we’d like our husbands to be more romantic, what we really mean is that we’d like our husbands to be more attentive, more thoughtful and show us more of what they’re feeling, right? That’s not romance—that’s intimacy. When you think about it, isn’t it intimacy that you want? Well, The Bead Method creates an environment that promotes and nurtures intimacy. And while the elusive intimacy card gets punched in different ways for men and for women, the Beads have a way of paying that intimacy forward— for a husband and a wife. Let’s look at some ways that happens.

As I’ve pointed out, the Beads create a sense of security for a husband around sex. That’s just how it is and trust me, it’s a good thing. This confidence allows him the freedom to anticipate, to look forward to being with his wife, knowing that it’sreally going to happen. While he’s anticipating being with his wife, he begins focusing on her in a really positive way. What happens when one human focuses on another human in a positive way? They think about filling the needs of that human. It’s really simple. What does this look like? Well usually, what a wife sees is a husband behaving like the great guy she knows him to be.

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Forgiveness is a Verb

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My son is learning about main verbs and helping verbs in the fourth grade. As you probably know, the main verb is the star of the sentence, the action word, the word that tells what happening. The helping verb is more of a wingman, sitting on the sidelines, bolstering the significance of that all important main verb.

I got an email from a woman this week who wanted to know if the Beads might be helpful in her marriage since she was having a difficult time resuming her sex life in the wake of her husband’s infidelity. I get that, don’t you? Cheaters, for sure, get put in the penalty box for  a while, a long while, probably. But if you work things out and decide to stay married, don’t you want to move your relationship forward? I mean, staying stuck feels awful, doesn’t it? And yes, the Beads can be great for moving things along. But before adopting the Method, it would be imperative to first incorporate forgiveness into her daily routine. That’s what I told her.

Forgiveness is a main verb, don’t you think? It’s an act that must be practiced over and over with conviction in order to achieve. Forgiveness is not a one-time event that you can check off the to-do list and move on from after one pass. It involves some work. And yeah, I know when you’re not the one who made a royal mess of things, the idea of expending your personal emotional energy toward change can seem a little, um, unfair? But when you think about it, what’s the alternative? Don’t you want to get back to L-O-V-E? Yeah, I think that’s a main verb, too.

 

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The Stories We Tell Ourselves

openbookI got an email from a woman who really wanted to try the Beads, but was unsure if the Method would work, since her husband wasn’t really that into sex and she was always the initiator in her marriage.

She wrote to me asking if I thought the Beads could change things. And I’ll just tell you, relationships are complicated and given a one time email exchange, I can’t possibly say difinitively whether or not the Method will create changes in a couple’s marriage. But I can always say it’s possible. Because I believe, given the right motivation, anybody can change.

So anyway, she gave her husband the Beads and guess what? Her husband was thrilled to get them and they changed everything. It turns out that he was plenty into sex. She had just consistently beat him to the punch, so to speak, every time. For 23 years, she’d told herself that her husband just wasn’t that into sex or worse, that he just wasn’t that into her. She was so irritated that she’d tortured herself with that negative assumption all those years, but finding out the truth set her free.

Isn’t it crazy the stories we tell ourselves, that keep us cycling in negativity or at least keep us stuck in unhealthy patterns? Do you have any well-worn patterns that you keep repeating based on assumptions? I think we all do. Isn’t it best to go ahead and question the efficacy of those assumptions? Because finding out they’re false could be a game changer.

Posted in Beading for Beginners, General, low sex drive, Marriage, Sex | Leave a comment