Someone asked me today how it goes when a husband proposes the Beads to his wife. I had to say, I honestly don’t know. Here’s why: I get the most heartfelt emails from men all the time, explaining their marriage situation, why they think The Forty Beads Method is brilliant and asking exactly how to go about pitching the Method to their wives. I respond, laboriously detailing the concrete steps to take (which I’ll post below) in order to tee up the best possible reception, given the state of their union. I usually get a quick email back from the earnest male emailer, thanking me and promising to “keep me posted”. They always say they’ll “keep me posted”. But they don’t. I figure there are 2 possible reasons for this.
Either A: Earnest male emailer gets Beads, merrily skips off into the great Bead yonder and never thinks about me again.
Or B: Earnest male emailer is shut down when he pitches the Beads to his wife and hopes he never thinks about me again.
Either way, I got no stats. And while I don’t know the success rate for the average male pitching the idea of Forty Beads to his wife, I do know that pointing out the problem of sex in a marriage is something that should be an equal opportunity endeavor. In a marriage, you can reasonably expect certain things: respect, caring, compassion, support and emotional & sexual sharing. That’s what you signed up for when you got married. Outside of major craziness happening that necessarily derails the original set up, a healthy sex life is something you can reasonably expect. So in all fairness to the agreement (that would be marriage), it would be great if a man could feel confident in offering a possible solution to close the sex gap in his own marriage, when it exists. That said, here are my 6 steps I’ve come up with for men to follow in pitching Forty Beads to their wives.
GUIDELINES FOR SUGGESTING FORTY BEADS AS A SOLUTION
(FYI: These steps apply for any partner with the higher sex drive suggesting the Beads to the partner with the lower sex drive. Because sometimes it’s the man with the lower libido.)
1. Read all of the book Forty Beads.
You have to understand what you’re proposing, right?
2. Get your head straight.
-Maintain a playful tone. When sex is a problem, it’s serious stuff in your marriage. You’re trying to change that, so suggest the Beads in a lighthearted way.
-Create intrigue. Don’t explain how the Method works—you’ll let the book do that.
-Don’t oversell it. Don’t design charts and pie graphs to depict how dismal your sex life has been. Simply bring the Beads to the table and then you’re done.
3. Pick the right time.
This one’s pretty obvious, but I have to be clear. Don’t bring up the Beads when she’s working on a science fair project or when he’s changing the oil in the car. Choose a time when you both can focus on the state of your relationship.
4. Choose the right words.
Again, not to be controlling, but it is worth mentioning that you’re not going to want to talk like Andrew Dice Clay or Martha Stewart when suggesting the Beads. Be yourself. And if that’s not a good idea, be someone your spouse would enjoy hearing from.
5. Give your partner this book.
Okay, this one is really obvious. The book changes hands.
6. Practice patience.
Really important: All you can do is put it out there. Don’t be that person who continuously circles back to check and see if s/he has read the book. That’s just annoying. You can ask one time—so let a little time pass before you do.
If you follow these steps and your spouse is unwilling to try incorporating any changes (not just Forty Beads, but any changes) so that you both feel good about your sex life, you may have some hard decisions to make. Just saying.