Female desire. It’s a Two Step Process

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What happens when a wife observes her husband doing thoughtful things and feels him engaging with her emotionally? She becomes attracted to him. Because for most of us women, our emotional switch has to get flipped before the desire switch has a chance of getting tripped. That’s right: It’s a two-step process to get to the starting line. You could think of our emotional connection and sexual desire like one of those outdoor covered electrical switches—you know the ones with the metal door you have to pry back before you can turn the light on? We have to be touched emotionally by our husbands before our sexual desire has any hope of bubbling up to the surface. That’s just how we’re wired, most of us anyway. And the great thing is, the Beads are an easy, fun way to initiate this two-step process again and again.

With a little kick-start from the Beads, a very natural process takes shape. The husband and wife feel connected to each other—even before coming together intimately—which makes that Bead redemption (that’s right, the sexual encounter) easy, carefree and fun. Most of the time, anyway. Annnnd that’s why it works. Any questions?

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Romance. Exactly What Is That, Anyway?

With Valentine’s Day approaching like a freight train, let’s look at what our culture calls romance. Here’s a question for you: Youd like for your relationship to have more romance, wouldn’t you? But what do you mean by that? Do you mean that you’d like your husband to pepper you with Zoro-style kisses starting at the wrist, going straight up the forearm, pausing at the neck and finally moving in on your lips? That might be fun a time or two, but honestly, wouldn’t a routine like that get a little tiresome on a regular basis? When we say we’d like our husbands to be more romantic, what we really mean is that we’d like our husbands to be more attentive, more thoughtful and show us more of what they’re feeling, right? That’s not romance—that’s intimacy. When you think about it, isn’t it intimacy that you want? Well, The Bead Method creates an environment that promotes and nurtures intimacy. And while the elusive intimacy card gets punched in different ways for men and for women, the Beads have a way of paying that intimacy forward— for a husband and a wife. Let’s look at some ways that happens.

As I’ve pointed out, the Beads create a sense of security for a husband around sex. That’s just how it is and trust me, it’s a good thing. This confidence allows him the freedom to anticipate, to look forward to being with his wife, knowing that it’sreally going to happen. While he’s anticipating being with his wife, he begins focusing on her in a really positive way. What happens when one human focuses on another human in a positive way? They think about filling the needs of that human. It’s really simple. What does this look like? Well usually, what a wife sees is a husband behaving like the great guy she knows him to be.

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Forgiveness is a Verb

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My son is learning about main verbs and helping verbs in the fourth grade. As you probably know, the main verb is the star of the sentence, the action word, the word that tells what happening. The helping verb is more of a wingman, sitting on the sidelines, bolstering the significance of that all important main verb.

I got an email from a woman this week who wanted to know if the Beads might be helpful in her marriage since she was having a difficult time resuming her sex life in the wake of her husband’s infidelity. I get that, don’t you? Cheaters, for sure, get put in the penalty box for  a while, a long while, probably. But if you work things out and decide to stay married, don’t you want to move your relationship forward? I mean, staying stuck feels awful, doesn’t it? And yes, the Beads can be great for moving things along. But before adopting the Method, it would be imperative to first incorporate forgiveness into her daily routine. That’s what I told her.

Forgiveness is a main verb, don’t you think? It’s an act that must be practiced over and over with conviction in order to achieve. Forgiveness is not a one-time event that you can check off the to-do list and move on from after one pass. It involves some work. And yeah, I know when you’re not the one who made a royal mess of things, the idea of expending your personal emotional energy toward change can seem a little, um, unfair? But when you think about it, what’s the alternative? Don’t you want to get back to L-O-V-E? Yeah, I think that’s a main verb, too.

 

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The Stories We Tell Ourselves

openbookI got an email from a woman who really wanted to try the Beads, but was unsure if the Method would work, since her husband wasn’t really that into sex and she was always the initiator in her marriage.

She wrote to me asking if I thought the Beads could change things. And I’ll just tell you, relationships are complicated and given a one time email exchange, I can’t possibly say difinitively whether or not the Method will create changes in a couple’s marriage. But I can always say it’s possible. Because I believe, given the right motivation, anybody can change.

So anyway, she gave her husband the Beads and guess what? Her husband was thrilled to get them and they changed everything. It turns out that he was plenty into sex. She had just consistently beat him to the punch, so to speak, every time. For 23 years, she’d told herself that her husband just wasn’t that into sex or worse, that he just wasn’t that into her. She was so irritated that she’d tortured herself with that negative assumption all those years, but finding out the truth set her free.

Isn’t it crazy the stories we tell ourselves, that keep us cycling in negativity or at least keep us stuck in unhealthy patterns? Do you have any well-worn patterns that you keep repeating based on assumptions? I think we all do. Isn’t it best to go ahead and question the efficacy of those assumptions? Because finding out they’re false could be a game changer.

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I love this quote. And I have a feeling he was referring to real, lasting love that’s built over time, don’t you agree? It’s super easy to look in the same direction at the beginning of a relationship, but as the years march on, it can take quite a bit of determination to incorporate your spouse’s perspective into your own. But when you manage to do just that, truly share a common vision for how you’d like your life together to be, that’s where real intimacy and forward motion happens. When spouses join each other in the flow of looking forward to coming together physically, chances are, it’s gonna happen…and it’ll be great. And the Bead goes on…

 

 

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