Forgiveness is a Verb

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My son is learning about main verbs and helping verbs in the fourth grade. As you probably know, the main verb is the star of the sentence, the action word, the word that tells what happening. The helping verb is more of a wingman, sitting on the sidelines, bolstering the significance of that all important main verb.

I got an email from a woman this week who wanted to know if the Beads might be helpful in her marriage since she was having a difficult time resuming her sex life in the wake of her husband’s infidelity. I get that, don’t you? Cheaters, for sure, get put in the penalty box for  a while, a long while, probably. But if you work things out and decide to stay married, don’t you want to move your relationship forward? I mean, staying stuck feels awful, doesn’t it? And yes, the Beads can be great for moving things along. But before adopting the Method, it would be imperative to first incorporate forgiveness into her daily routine. That’s what I told her.

Forgiveness is a main verb, don’t you think? It’s an act that must be practiced over and over with conviction in order to achieve. Forgiveness is not a one-time event that you can check off the to-do list and move on from after one pass. It involves some work. And yeah, I know when you’re not the one who made a royal mess of things, the idea of expending your personal emotional energy toward change can seem a little, um, unfair? But when you think about it, what’s the alternative? Don’t you want to get back to L-O-V-E? Yeah, I think that’s a main verb, too.

 

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The Stories We Tell Ourselves

openbookI got an email from a woman who really wanted to try the Beads, but was unsure if the Method would work, since her husband wasn’t really that into sex and she was always the initiator in her marriage.

She wrote to me asking if I thought the Beads could change things. And I’ll just tell you, relationships are complicated and given a one time email exchange, I can’t possibly say difinitively whether or not the Method will create changes in a couple’s marriage. But I can always say it’s possible. Because I believe, given the right motivation, anybody can change.

So anyway, she gave her husband the Beads and guess what? Her husband was thrilled to get them and they changed everything. It turns out that he was plenty into sex. She had just consistently beat him to the punch, so to speak, every time. For 23 years, she’d told herself that her husband just wasn’t that into sex or worse, that he just wasn’t that into her. She was so irritated that she’d tortured herself with that negative assumption all those years, but finding out the truth set her free.

Isn’t it crazy the stories we tell ourselves, that keep us cycling in negativity or at least keep us stuck in unhealthy patterns? Do you have any well-worn patterns that you keep repeating based on assumptions? I think we all do. Isn’t it best to go ahead and question the efficacy of those assumptions? Because finding out they’re false could be a game changer.

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I love this quote. And I have a feeling he was referring to real, lasting love that’s built over time, don’t you agree? It’s super easy to look in the same direction at the beginning of a relationship, but as the years march on, it can take quite a bit of determination to incorporate your spouse’s perspective into your own. But when you manage to do just that, truly share a common vision for how you’d like your life together to be, that’s where real intimacy and forward motion happens. When spouses join each other in the flow of looking forward to coming together physically, chances are, it’s gonna happen…and it’ll be great. And the Bead goes on…

 

 

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Are You Too Young to Have a Diminishing Sex Life? Nope, Not Really.

 

I’ve gotten a slew of emails lately from twenty-something married women concerned about how little sex they’re having. The key concern that I’m hearing over and over is that, “We’re too young to be having this problem.” I can see why they believe this since society and the media pummel us daily with this marital myth: If you’re married and not feeling all gooey inside toward your spouse 24/7, wanting to hit the sheets at every available opportunity, then there must be something wrong with you–oh, and you’re marriage is doomed, so brace yourself for the painful downward spiral (Pan toward an image of celebrity couple-of-the-moment–who may or may not even be together this time next year–gazing adoringly into each other’s love-filled eyes).

Here’s what I want you to know: After that psychotic in love, can’t-breath-without-you, want-to-crawl-up-inside-your-body-so-that-I-am-never-separated-from-you-ever-again wears off (because it will—once you start taking out the trash and paying bills together), the drive to constantly connect sexually wanes. It just does. And really, for good reason—because at some point, you have to leave the bed, go out into the world and make something happen. It’s just the natural order of things that the sex slows as a marriage progresses. There are some specific reasons, too, like the crazy demands placed on our time on any given day.

The question is: What will you DO about a diminishing sex desire to connect? Will you let your sex life set sail for some far away place, never to be seen again? Or will you attack the problem, stop accepting excuses and start finding solutions. The Forty Beads Method is a good one. So stop feeling BAD that your sex life isn’t GOOD and do something about it. A ton of you are doing just that, so YAY, YOU!

One more thing? A healthy sex life and marital happiness is an ongoing journey, forever moving forward–not a fixed destination. So don’t be looking for the exit sign to HappyEverAfterLand. I’m pretty sure you’d be interminably bored there anyway.

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American Beader in Switzerland

Had to share this great poem and cute DIY Forty Beads Gift that Bettiann in Switzerland posted to her blog. Bettiann and her husband are having fun with the Beads while trying to conceive. She says the Method is great to throw in the mix during fertility struggles since it helps add a playful back and forth between partners about when sex is going to happen–which gives the woman a break from saying, “Right now! We’ve got to do it NOW!” Sending tons of Bead love your way, Bettiann! Here’s the poem she wrote for her husband:

My gift to you is Forty Beads,

Because our minds we cannot read

When you’re feeling “in the mood”,

Here’s just what you should do

Drop in a bead, the “pills” which are pink,

I will know in your mind what you think

Sit back, relax, wait 24 hours,

Within that time, with love you’ll be showered

When will it happen, will it be right away?

In the middle of the night?  Perhaps the next day?

No matter what, you’ll like what you see,

All because you dropped that little bead !

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